she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
