I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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