I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
