woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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