When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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