I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
