best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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