im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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