I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize