I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
