Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
