I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
