weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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