I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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