i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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