I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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