she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
