You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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