I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
