Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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