So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
