Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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