I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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