I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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