i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize