So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
