my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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