Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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