I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Pants are for mortals
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
