I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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