It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
