Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
