please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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