LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
