I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I can't put those talents on a resume
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
