I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
