well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
