I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
