zippers are such a cool invention
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
