I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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