do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
