My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
