On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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