my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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