Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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