ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
