You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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