mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
