So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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