she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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