Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
