Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
