Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
