I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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